Status Quo

The common refrain among those caught in abusive relationships is "walking on eggshells". The abuser's feelings rein [reign? not sure] supreme at all times. Everyone else is expected to cowtow to, step around, coddle, soothe, and respect the feelings of the abuser at all times. Yet, when the abuser needs to unload, he or she reserves all rights to decimating and destroying your feelings and self-respect until they feel better.

This is a quote from this post. It sums up the "moral" of my family's story. It's absolutely unfair. Luckily, my sis Holly doesn't get as much of the terror because she's more diplomatic. She's learned to cool MOP down and put up with him.

Maybe these aren't good lessons she's learned, but at least she doesn't get abused. And at least she doesn't go abusing people like MOP does (even if she is a bit annoying, the way siblings are).

I, on the other hand... refuse to go along with MOP, and consequently receive a lot more of MOP's anger. My mom's definite that it's not a good thing.

"Just go along with him."
"I can't play daddy's little girl any more. I don't want to, anyway."
Mom tries to persuade me to appreciate what "dad has done for our family."
"What he has done, Mom, is betray our trust."
"You shouldn't rock the boat, nox," She tells me.

But what should I do, then? I don't want to pretend to be someone else, someone I'm not. Besides, the boat has been rocked enough by MOP. It isn't fair to cover up the truth and go along without a fight. I would never be willing to do so. It, ain't, fair.

Or maybe I'm being selfish. A revolution (so to speak) would upset the fragile balance, perhaps beyond repair/concealment. Holly still appears to have respect for MOP and apparently doesn't know what he's done. If I try to stand up to him, maybe I would destroy what Mom has worked so hard for - peace. Peace, albeit in a weak and unstable state. What will happen to Mom and Holly if I stir up a war?

The preservation of peace is the most sensible path, yet the last thing I want to do.

*** ***

A classmate and good friend, "Tim", is the only person (other than Mom) I have confided in about what MOP did. I guess he's the person I trust most.

(Now that I think about it, is it weird that my best friend is a guy? But I digress...)

I once mentioned to Tim that I was considering exacting revenge on MOP. He told me, "Don't. Just wait four more years; you can do it."

I've been counting down to my 18th birthday ever since. Three years, three months, and 16 days to go until my chance of escape. Freedom beckons.

*** ***

Freedom was just about never the status quo. Not for anyone except MOP, that is. He'd do what he pleased whenever he pleased, thank you very much. He does not consider his affairs as wrongdoing on his part. According to him, the affairs were what we asked for, seeing how badly we'd treated him by daring to suggest he do such things as answer the phone.

I've always longed for sweet, sweet freedom. My imagined plans for 18 and beyond always start with leaving. Getting away from this tangle and being who I am.

*** ***

noxpennatus' Top Five List of: How Not to Rock the Boat
5. Refuse to do anything he says.
4. Send him numerous hate mail.
3. Punch him.
2. Insult him publicly. (Actually, I'm already doing that via this blog.)
1. Leave and never come back.

*** ***

This is something I'm gradually figuring out: the method of making the status quo gasp in horror, in a nutshell, is doing anything that declares "I am not under the control of MOP"; anything that signifies revolution and freedom. The stronger the message, the louder the gasps.

And the converse, to quote a certain detective, is equally valid: a stable status quo demands zombie-like obedience to MOP. The more the un-merrier.

*** ***

Though I want desperately to escape at 18, my imagination conjures up images of Holly and Mom being put through more indignity. Perhaps Holly will leave, too, and be free; but Mom will have no rest until he dies or she divorces. And if she dies, what will become of dad?

I still want to escape, though.

Mom tells me to appreciate dad, but as far as I can see, there are only two good things MOP has done for us. One is, frankly put, money. The other is character building. From hardship.

Yes, I do appreciate his labor, but I do not think we have to put up with his unbearable-ness just because of that. I mean, aren't dads supposed to care for their family in more than material matters? What kind of dad only gives his family money, then goes picking up hot girls at bars (which is the image that forms in my head), and then doesn't think he's done anything wrong? A bad kind, that's what.

Sorry, I'm ranting. It's just that... it's always about him. All our problems seem centered around him.

*** ***

The status quo won't change... but someday, I believe it will cave in. The someday, to be exact, three years, three months, and sixteen days later.

And that day, maybe - just maybe - I'll know who I am. I have some hope.