Fear Itself

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

-- Franklin D. Roosevelt

My father is an expert at using fear. He terrorizes Holly and me; his actions say: "My word is law. Obey it or else." We were to show no sign of disobedience, or he would do anything from taunting us with sarcasm, to making us kneel on the cold bathroom tile for a day, and to (relatively plain) shouting and spanking. Once, the look on his face said he would combine all these if he had the time, to punish the offense of turning a power switch off; another time, he threw a large metal crutch across the room, striking Holly on the head, and - this really boils my blood - didn't spare so much as a glance at her. (I'll write about those incidents later.)

He also blows up at Mom over tiny things. He gets mad at her if she calls him, emails him, or texts him.

There is a sentence from this post in the blog Narcissists Suck: "Good parents do not rule their children with terror." Did I mention that MOP always prides himself on being a model father? Oh, if he could read this. Then again, it wouldn't do much good to improve his behavior. He never admits to mistakes. To quote a classmate (with tongue-in-cheek): "You're always right. You're right even if you're wrong, which obviously never happens."

*** ***

The scary thing about MOP is how he can how he can snap from dear ol' dad to demonic in seconds. One minute, he's joking and laughing - then the very air freezes, and he growls "what - did - you - say?" The next thing you know, he's unleashing his fury. Once, an item of silverware struck me on the forehead at this stage of the proceedings. His outbursts - as often as not - are utterly unexpected.

Sure, he always "asks nicely" first. The catch is... his "questions" are purely rhetorical. A question mark is for decoration purposes only; it does not imply the existence of a choice. Take this dialogue as an example:

MOP: Want to go for a walk around the neighborhood after dinner?
nox: No thanks, I have homework to do.
MOP: So who do you think you are, huh? You're too good for me, are you?
(Silence)
MOP: GET OUT!! I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE EVER AGAIN!!
I got out.

*** ***

Now that school's out for Holly and me, MOP is "suggesting" we travel. It wouldn't be that objectionable to me, if his style of traveling didn't include:

- catching any vehicle at the last possible moment
- rushing into and out of as many cities as possible, and as fast as possible
- doing everything his way
and
- his snoring.

In fact, my ideal vacation would be weeks of vegetating at home and occasionally hanging out with friends. I don't want to go anywhere. Besides, this year I have Very Important Exams That Decide My Future High School (in China, high school starts in 10th grade, not 9th; I consider myself a freshman, anyway). I do take them seriously.

Holly and Mom don't want to go anywhere either. Mom did some web searches, and found that the airfare to MOP's destination of choice alone costs the equivalent of $1500. We can't afford to spend so much.

I do my best to hint at my exams and the cost. He grunts and mutters something, a volcano ready to blow. Holly kicks me under the table, and Mom shoots a warning look at me.

I decide to keep my mouth shut, so I won't trigger an eruption.

*** ***

MOP had purposely programmed Holly, Mom, and me to fear him. It's certainly working; there have been at least two instances of me jumping at his voice. He seems to find amusement in the fact.

Yeesh.

The ideal method of dealing w/ MOP seems to be a "no contact" policy, but it's impossible to maintain. Therefore, the strategy I am employing right now is do not acknowledge his existence unless absolutely necessary. Hopefully it'll be good enough, for now.

Until I can fly solo in the world, though... I still fear him.